Follow-up: New tattoo

Haven’t gotten a new tattoo in more than 10 years. 

Fashion dos and don’ts for the contientious rocker

List of efficacious rock n roll stage attire

This is an exhaustive list of attire permissible to be worn by the participants of a rock n roll show in all of its various permutations. Straying from these guidelines is possible, but not advised unless you have achieved “Master” status. Only you will know when that status has been achieved.

Leg wear:

1. Jeans:
   

   Bob

   Blue or black, perhaps other colors, but never green, never acid washed or otherwise artificially distressed. No relaxed fit. Tightness to taste, but be mindful that dozens of people might be looking at you and take their mental health into account. Also, if you have a flat butt, avoid flashing the crowd your plumbers crack by never bending down for anything. Keep picks on the mic stand or amp. Learn to adjust pedals with the tip of your shoe.

2. Corduroys are OK, pending aforementioned no green rule, (although with cords, anything is possible).
3. Slacks: Well, this is a tough one and case-based. If you have a cool pair of suit pants and that works for you, then ok, but stick with dark colors, pinstriped if patterned at all. Pinstripes are thinning and you can never be too thin to rock.

Torso garb

1. T-shirts: There’s a lot of leeway here. Use discretion. Tightness rules applied to jeans apply here, but some like a little gut peeking out. With T-shirts, it’s kind of a if you can rock it, then rock it. Anything can be ironic and we all know that irony is the height of comedy.
2. Blazers: The top consideration here is enough room through the shoulder. If you can’t cross your arms in front of you, then reconsider the blazer. Nothing sucks worse than restricted motion on stage. Also, be aware that blazers are heavy and therefor, hot; they may not be appropriate for all styles of rock.
3. Button shirts of most any derivation. You have carte blanche here, but be wary of patterns and materials. If a 50-year-old man would wear it to work in his insurance office or on a vacation, beware.
4. Jackets: Leather, denim are permissible. Satin jackets are not, unless you’re applying the aforementioned irony “Get Out of Jail Free” card. Members-Only also falls into the irony category, but not as egregiously. Warm-up jackets are permissible, but perhaps genre-determined. You must also consider possible damage that could be caused by jackets. If you don’t play an instrument and you’re in a band that means you’re a dedicated lead singer and you have other, more pressing problems.
5. Belts. Again, anything short of rope is fair game, but be careful about instrument damage, unless you’re from Texas. Then all bets are off.

Headwear

Headwear is usually dependent on fluctuating fads than other pieces of clothing. As a general rule, I say no to headwear, but extenuation circumstances such as male pattern baldness tend to make headwear preferable. Depending on genre, cowboy hats may be permissible, but never leather. Please see the list of “Don’ts” for a full list of head wear to avoid.

Jewelry

Another tough one. In some genres of music, jewelry is very important (various stripes of metal, for example). For others, jewelry can become a identifier (Ringo Starr’s rings, Flavor Flav’s clock necklace). If you decide to wear jewelry on stage, you have to own it. If you can pull it off, then go for it, but I advise against earrings in this day and age unless you’re a pirate.

Footwear

1. Sneakers: Generally, yes. There’s one caveat: absolutely no white leather cross trainers or running shoes. Nothings says “My Mom Bought These for Me” or “I’m really a 46-year-old accountant” than white leather sneakers. Stick with the classics: Chuck Taylors, Vans, Puma, Adidas and similar and you’ll be safe. Avoid running shoes that look too expensive or over designed and basketball shoes other than Chucks.
2. Leather: Doc Martins of any style and other makers that approximate any of these styles. Cowboy boots are also OK, but beware intricate patterns or colors other than black or brown unless there’s a “Jr.” at the end of your name. Beware of suede shoes. These have gone in and out of fashion over the years, particularly the Wallaby design. Unless you’re 100% sure this is the material for you, avoid suede. Also, suede doesn’t take beer and other liquids spilled on it very well and if you have a can of Scotchguard in your home, there’s no way you can be a rocker anyway.

Those are absolutely the ONLY types of footwear allowed onstage at a rock show.

Accessories

You can accessorize as desired. Scarves, bandanas, wristbands have all shown rock n roll efficacy, but avoid headbands unless you’re Keith Moon. And you’re not.

Hair

If you’re lucky enough to have it, wear it how you like, but no mullets, no pony tails, no highlights.

Clothing that offends the rock gods:

Under no circumstance should any of following articles of clothing be worn on a stage for any reason. There is no bend to these rules. Break them at your own peril. If you are in fact a moonlighting 46-year-old accountant or your mother still buys all your clothes, you have my sympathies, but I hate you because you probably have better gear than me.

No Shorts, especially no jean shorts (aka, jorts). This is about respect. People came to hear you play music. You are not delivering pizza or working a summer job at a second-rate theme park. Put n pants and suck it up.

No overalls. If you’re not performing on an episode of Hee Haw (and you’re not) or just in from detassling corn, you have no reason to be wearing overalls. Yes, they are comfortable, but again, suck it up and have some respect.

No khakis. The rock stage is not your job as a legal proofreader. Take off those ill-fitting symbols of servitude.

No cargo pants. You don’t need ten different pockets to carry stuff.

No sandals. Seriously, look at your feet. Jesus H. Christ. The only time you should wear sandals is in the shower at the YMCA.

No fedoras: We had enough of zoot suits and fedoras with that annoying swing craze of the late 90s. It’s just not time yet.

No porkpie hat/wifebeater T combo: Face it, you’re a 25-year-old from Naperville, IL. You are not the long lost son of an unknown bluesman. That clothing combo just makes you look like an extra in a period film that will never get made.

No trucker baseball hats.  I know, you bought a ton of these in the early 2000s, but get over it. Keep them long enough and maybe they’ll come back around, but my advice it just to burn them in a safe environment away from children and pets to protect them from noxious fumes.

I’m sure I’ve left some stuff out, so be sure to add on.

Coming soon: Instrument dos and don’ts!